When Shelisa Demuth moved to a new home a few months ago, she paused as she packed to sift through boxes of old birthday cards and letters. She held onto the ones she felt were really important, and melted as she read the once stashed-away letters from her mom.
The relationship had weathered many seasons. The letters were her mother’s fingerprints of care.
Demuth and her 8-year-old daughter love the movie Soul. They watch it more often than she can count. Their new puppy, London, a pit bull terrier, has rocked their world in the best way. Some cousins, aunts, and uncles live close to their new apartment in St. Paul, Minnesota.
“The joy is in relationships,” she said.
A Pew Research Center report released earlier this month found that, like Demuth, most Black Americans are finding happiness through friends, family, and faith. More than 80% of Black adults say they are at least somewhat happy these days. And, although those who report a higher income are more likely to say they are extremely or very happy, regardless of how much money they made, a complimentary study showed that Black folks reported similar amounts of pressure around having to have enough to provide for their families, own their own home, and do the things they want to do. Black immigrants reported feeling even more of a burden.
The pressure around needing to do well in order to honor those who came before in their family lines — as well as future generations — culminates in stress, which can spike depression and anxiety rates. What it highlights is that racism seeps into the lives of Black folks regardless of wealth and status, meaning income is not necessarily a protective factor against the stress of being Black in America.
Read More: Racism’s Relentless Toll on Black Health in America
In addition to religion and spirituality, many are leaning on close relationships. It’s a remedy that could also address broader mental health disparities in the Black community, including what experts have called a loneliness epidemic following the pandemic.
“The commonality is racism,” said Marlene F. Watson, a licensed marriage and family therapist and director of training at the Ackerman Institute for the Family. “We’re fed a daily myth that we’re not as good.”
No matter what job one might find themselves in, they’re likely facing microaggressions that devalue them and add pressure to perform and execute, she said. Without the generational wealth that many Black communities have been denied, most are still dependent on those jobs, and making more money could mean reallocating it to pay off debt or support family members.
According to Pew, a majority of Black folks worry about finances daily or almost daily.
“It’s understandable that people are feeling a weariness, an anxiety, a depression, and physically people are having headaches and high blood pressure,” Watson said.
She’s not convinced more money translates to more happiness. It depends on the definition, she said. As a therapist, she’s seen how high-paying jobs can come with additional burdens, including being silenced in workplaces out of fear of retaliation.
Still, money affects access to various professional supports, decisions to have children, and feelings of worthiness and self-esteem, said Jonathan Gustave, a licensed psychotherapist in south Florida. He was born in what he describes as a cold basement in Chicago to a mother too young to care for him. In the years that followed, he grew up in poverty with his grandparents.
At times, as a businessman, not having enough money has felt like a gut punch. He needed to be someone people could rely on. Money, he said, became a source of his identity.
“We put this generational pressure on ourselves to do better financially than the past generation,” Gustave said. What he’s learned since is that money really puts a magnifying glass on people’s beliefs. He believes people use money to support what they care about most.
And the data supports him.
The Pew reports teased out that folks with higher incomes are more likely to report having the time to enjoy the activities they love, which in addition to faith and spending time with friends and family included travel, sports, exercise, and supporting social or political causes.
The first year Demuth made six figures, she said, so many choices opened up for her. There were options without having to compromise any needs. She started to be able to enjoy the simple things a little more. But her interests remained the same. She meanders around art galleries and hosts dinner parties. She attends cultural events and supports authors and artists she cares about.
Steven M. Hughes, a financial therapist, has made a career out of helping people make healthy choices with their money. He believes wealth is more about thoughts and feelings than numbers. He teases out how past experiences, and their emotional residue, affect current decisions.
He’s a first-generation Jamaican American and family man from Columbia, South Carolina. His journey to find what he loved, separate from others’ opinions, led him to Guitar 101 and salsa dancing classes. When he started, he said, it felt fun to be at the beginning of something new.
The brother of two chefs, a grill master, and a sister who can make bread and pasta from scratch, he is trying to work his way up from being the “worst cook in the family.” Over the past year, he’s been finding joy in nailing Jamaican cuisine like ackee and sausage, escovitch fish, and curry shrimp.
After hours of trying to perfect it all, he cooks for friends who always want more. Creating something that brings others happiness feels good.
“I do believe that friendship is essential to the soul,” he said.
Watson, the family therapist, agrees. Supportive relationships are critically important for mental health, she said. Watson also understands why faith was among the things that Black Americans said they get the most fulfillment from, according to the Pew report.
Throughout history, faith and hope have propelled us forward, she said. For many, that means religion and God. For others, it might be something more philosophical, yet grounding, said Watson.
She encourages people to find practices that bring them a sense of peace, from sound healing and meditation to listening to music and affirmations or sprinkling holy water nearby.
“It just depends on your beliefs,” she said.
When Watson was young, she’d sit beside her grandmother at the end of the day as she sat still and sipped a cup of Lipton tea. It was so calming, Watson said.
So now, many years later, Watson will grab her mug, filled with Earl Gary, after work. She’ll sit. She’ll reminisce. She’ll take a moment to breathe, searching for that inner peace.